So I am on to myself.
Fortnightly, I have 5 days in a row to myself and while this must sound like a miracle to anyone stuck in a bubble with small children, I assure you it is a mixed blessing. First few days are rad. My friend Iain calls this phoenix time- the space you have to yourself post-divorce to figure out who really are. Which bits can you salvage from 'before' and which bits are dead weight, eventually becoming the flotsam and jetsam of your life’s journey.
Largely, listening to 90s playlists, going for long walks, binging neon and drinking copious amounts of hot drinks is something I enjoy. I zoom everyone I can manage. I vacuum like it's a Saturday Morning dorm inspection at Brentwood College School. I eat bread and cheese. I don't cook.
The tone changes for me sometime between 2pm on Saturday and 4pm on Sunday. I suddenly realise I am alone in a bubble. I am immigrant who gave up my parents, my brother, 5 cool cousins, a dozen lifelong friends, 22 years of history and roots to settle down and have a family too close to Antarctica. And where is that family now?
I mean Monday night they'll be simultaneously not eating dinner I made and complaining of being hungry until I want to scream but on Sundays that feels pretty far away, Sundays there's not much to do except open a bottle of wine.
I'll skip the rock bottom part of the story. Ultimately, I’ve decided it’s not worth being hung over if I can’t go get a cheeseburger from Maccas drivethru.
Alternatively, for 2 weeks from now I could:
1. Ball in the shower. Good old fashioned ugly cry in hot water.
2. Commit to a movie and actually watch it all the way through and not even text during it. Good old fashioned escapism.
3. Binge sugar which, while also a drug which my father calls “the white death”, is less likely to inspire spewing self-loathing.
4. Sit with the yucky feelings.
Luckily, I don’t have to choose one of these for another 13 days. If we are still in lockdown then, it will be day 26. speculative maths is not my favourite subject.
Today is Monday. We begin again.
Begin better is my goal.
Who knows how it’ll end this time?