Alternative Affirmations for the Holidays

With the silly season upon us, looking down the barrel of ingesting liquid depressants and heightened levels of the white death (only seasonally coloured green and red) at awkward work parties and intense family gatherings- I am not feeling the magic this year.
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Have I ever felt the Christmas magic? I don’t know. At best, I may have lukewarm Christmas cheer in a former life. In 2021, the spirit can bite me. The only thing I am hanging out for this year is the cheese ball. That’s right. The 70s inspired, nut rolled, pineapple-filled-if-you’re-unlucky ball o’ cheese. And maybe some white chocolate almonds and candy cane ice cream from the Rob Roy Dairy (which has been available for months, so suck it elves).

Anyhoo- adolescent anger aside… if you also also feeling pressured to put on a snowman sweater (which makes no sense in the Southern Hemisphere anyway) and guzzle down legal downers at a premium cost alongside colleague and less savoury members of your gene pool… How about no?
Let these alternative affirmations or merry mantra enter your consciousness. I invite you to repeat after me. Seriously, try the reply out loud:
 
1. Bag Humbug!
Reply: Bah humbug. Bah humbug. Bah humbug.

Coined by one of the greats.  Or at least one of the great white men, Charles Dickens. Ah the Victorian era. The old, original 19th century Scrooge had lost his only love and turned into a sour-faced, cowardly employer who cared more about profit than people. 
 
Sidenote: The original Scrooge was not as cool as Bill Murray, another articulate great white man, in the 20th century film classic Scrooged.
 
2. Merry Christmas, ya filthy animal.
Reply:  *machine gun noise* And a happy new year.
Coined as a Christmas classic by Kevin while he was at home alone. AKA Macaulay Culkin. The boy smart enough to divorce toxic parents at young age. TBF, he had the money to do it.

This affirmation starts like mainstream, blank card that cost $1 from the Happy Coin shop, finishes like bad sexting. Basically, the mullet of seasonal greetings. The bonus is that you can say the first two words out loud, and the last three in your head. In your head. In your heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaad. Zombie. Zombie. Zombie. Zombie.
 
3. Jesus would have hated this commercial BS anyway.
Reply: Amen. And A-womxn.
Coined by yours truly. I mean I wouldn’t worship the guy but he def had some good values and great teaching points in my opinion.

Remember that time he turned water in wine? Yeah, vaguely.

Remember that other time he flipping the trading tables because of the corrupt systems? Me neither. But it happened. Now, cool your jets and hold your horses- I’m not saying Jesus would be flippin’ tables at your local Christmas craft fair but have you tried to go to a mall lately?

 That frenzy of false idols is nasty. I love a gingerbread scent candle as much as the next guy but was it worth a whole sweatshop overseas being set up so we could buy a <$10 secret santa gift for Barb? Barb’s cool but I don’t even know her last name let alone what flavour candle she wants.
 
4. Christmas, too, shall pass.

Reply: Can it pass faster than gas?

All jokes aside, Christmas is a mixed bag for most of us. Tomorrow is my first ever Christmas without ‘family’.  Scary idea until I realised that I am safest in my own hands. I am most likely to choose a gift I want, make a meal I will eat without regrets and I can nap.  Also, my cat brought me a gift and put it under the tree and everything. As Glennon Doyle suggests, the magic is found in the rubble of our lives.

 Wishing you a smooth end of silly season.

Peace in, peace out. 

​From my empty livingroom to yours,
​xAPB

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I figure Trixie is a more palatable pic subject than the gift she brought.